News from the weekend that got FUCKED up!

I'm so angry now I just had to vent!

So my entire weekend was planned around the People's Concert featuring the Bo$$ Playa, Snoop, D-O-double-jizzle - the one gangsta for who I would gladly get down on both knees and... Anyway, barely a half hour ago, we have heard that he won't be performing since he has been detained (not delayed) at London Heathrow. Why? Cos him and his peeps stirred some shit up and got gangsta with the airport pigs. Talk about dropping it like it's hot!

Decisions decisions - get a full refund, 370 bucks worth, or go to see Pharell and Sean Paul, and get 25% back. FUUUUCK!

I'm so depressed now I'm off to get a bucket o' chiggen and eat myself into happiness...

'Til the next one - Black Eyed Peas - Sun City Superbowl 27 May. Watch Fergie not come out and really ruin my life!

Maxim vs. FHM - Series Star vs. Porn Star

Jamie-Lynn Sigler of Sopranos fame vs. Tera Patrick of Fluffy Cumsalot fame. Maxim vs. FHM. Natural vs. Fake. Who Ya Got?

Jamie-Lynn Sigler - Girls of Maxim
Tera Patrick - FHM Film School

Boom Chakalaka

An absolutely vicious, though legal, hit during game 1 of the Sabres/Flyers series. I could watch it all day.

Awesome!

The reason behind the madness...

We here at Chumpstyle take our Boobs of the Week very seriously, and we have good reason to:

The Theory:



The Solution:



The Moral of the Story:

Read Chumpstyle, Be Healthier, Live Longer, and never touch a burning dog.

Chump's Boobs of the Week

This weeks Boobs belong to the belter Kelly Brooke... I am actually not too sure where her fame comes from. But I do know I should have my head buried in her boobs.


Wez, help me out here... You know all the porn stars, what made her famous? OTHER than her boobs of course.

I Hurt My Wrist and My Eyeball

What’s more annoying than those ads that have been running for 6 months or more on E!, yeah Taradise on E!.

She was everyone’s favourite belter when she played that what’s-his-name's girlfriend on American Pie, and yes she became everyone's favourite anti-Christ when she landed herself a travel slash lets-get-rat-arsed-around-the-world-and-throw-my-career-down-the-loo show on E!.

What do you do when your career is in the dumps, yay sex-tape. Or the cheesier cop-out, boo nipple slip - Egotastic has the skinny.

All in all I still definitely would!

Blender (the magazine, not the kitchen appliance) lists the 50 Worst Things to Ever to Happen to Music. Personally I feel the list should have been littered with hip-hop and rap atrocities because lets be serious here the genre truly does suck. But as expected for fear of getting a couple 50's caps in their ass they took the soft cock route and included eveything from Sammy Hagar to Fred Durst as well for shits and giggles.

21 - Nearly Every Hip-Hop Video
We get it.
Your ride is pimped, your crib is a castle and at the drop of an ice-encrusted hat, you can have tons of scantily clad ho's pouring bottles of Cristal down your gullet while you kick it in the hot tub. Congratulations to a generation of hip-hop video directors for making decadence seem so ... boring.

12 - Kevin Federline
Golfing and wifebeaters? Whatever. Multiple baby mamas? Hey, do your thing. Even the rapping isn't that bad. But snatching away our favorite pop star -- that cannot be forgiven. Two years ago, BRITNEY SPEARS was America's sexy sweetheart, then the ex-backup-dancer pounced, and it was bye-bye 'Toxic,' hello diapers and Cheetos.

02 - Suge Knight
Here's some advice:
If SUGE KNIGHT offers to bail you out of jail, wait for a better offer. After doing this for TUPAC SHAKUR, the bullying head of Death Row records molded a talented 24-year-old rapper into a doomed gangsta cartoon, fanned a preposterous coastal rap feud (f--k the Bering Strait, too, while we're at it!) and steered his young star on a confrontational course that ended in a bullet-riddled BMW 750. Whether or not Biggie Smalls' subsequent murder was related, Knight drafted a tragedy hip-hop never got over.

Read the entire list here.

Fucking Hip-Hop.

Top 3 at 3

Videos that speak to the people, well maybe not the last.

- I just wanna punch God in the face.
- I Speak In The Name of The Lord, Bitch! Whats religion without the profanity.
- Bitchin Soundtrack, Killer Video - .oediv sdrawkcab ehT

I may break all the rules and post a few more video's, because well I can and contrary to popular belief I run this god damn ghost town! Watch this space.

Rachel Nichols Anyone?

Healthy, healthy lungs I give her that. I'd also give her something else if you know what I mean *wink* *wink*. Like a shoal or a dog blanket to tuck her in. Anything to keep her from getting cold - bless her heart.

Maxim Online - Rachel Nicols

Kelly Clarksen is FA Phat

I happen to know a ton of people you are infatuated with this little Italian swooner. Yes OK she may be not be Italian or a swooner but I sure happen to know a lot of peeps that enjoy a little Southern Fried Kelly every now again so that wasn't a complete lie. My brother, lets call him Matthew, because that’s his name (others include Matty, M-Dogg, Machine or Least Favourite Sibling (LBW)) happens to adore the Kell-ster whether he's listening to his tape deck or screaming her name during his sleep. Well Matty put these pictures to good use and imagine them the next time you knocking one out to the Clarksen. Yeah, not so clever now are we?

Hey at least she's into Boerie Rolls.

- Hollywood Tuna - Kelly Clarkson Bikini Pictures
- And speaking of phaties check these hunnies out.
- If you want to hook up with hot passionate belters (in the loose sense of the word) send your browser here - sign up and laugh your pants off at the ridiculous profiles (it makes us a few bob if you must know).

That Gay Cowboy Movie 2: Bandidas

Look its Penelope Cruz and... and, who the fuck is that? Selma Hayek? To tell you the truth I haven’t downloaded and viewed the trailer as yet (Don’t Have the Poower!) so in truth I've got nothing to add to this one way conversation. Please if you would, download the video and tell me how it ends, thanks in advance.

Bandidas Movie Trailer - Right Click Me and Save Target As (via)

I Hate Horses

Quite possibly the funniest blog on the net. Even funnier are the comments, some posts even reach up to 250 or more of them.

I Hate Horses

Jenna Jameson's May 2006 Esquire Spread

Sadly she keeps her clothes on, but a good spread none the less. And there is promise of a coin slot or two as seen above and what ever is on her face God (Ron Jeremy) only knows.

See the fulll gallery over at Save Manny - while you there drop him some dosh he's a bit short this month

Preach

Bush is dead!!!!

This just in...

BUSH IS DEAD!!

Thanks to Phoenix for the contribution.

Bring your A-Game

The design is easy to carry as it spreads weight over your whole body, not just one shoulder, so that back pain and muscular strain will be kept down and thus keeping you feeling fresher on the course.

Holding 14 clubs, 20 tees, 12 balls, and even an umbrella, there is little you will sacrifice by switching. You will be able to hold everything your old bag did except the bag itself. Coming in at only $75 for the A Frame Golf Bag, it is easily 1/10th the cost of some high level bags that are nowhere near this light. Time to hit the links, greekstyle - Read more over at OhGizmo

R450 for two plastic A-frames connected by aluminium tubing? Even if the tubing were titanium or gold thats still a fucking rip off. But hey I suppose thats golf. The only person I really see buying and using this gimicky piece of engineering is our mate Wazza (Dari's live in life partner slash roommate), the chap buys and sells new golf equipment as if it were his job. Hey perhaps it is?

Anyway the question is: Which is more probable?
A: The company that created this fine piece of horse shit lands a ton of sales primarily because of the Tiger Woods look-alike (well from the side anyway) used in their ad campaign?

B: Me landing myself in a dog poo of a court case with the ANC Youth League or any other Black targeted group for that matter (eg: KFC) largely because of my racially laced question A.

D: I live for Boerie Rolls.

C: All of the above.

News from one fucked up Easter weekend

Actually, this is News purely from last night. Robbie Williams. Awesome. With a capital AWE.

But what a day out. It started out at Sin Bin for the Miller's before bash, thanks to Judge and G Man for hooking all of us up, including the "randoms" that tagged along. Free booze, free food, freekin' good times.

Then off to the concert. After having to fight the frikken grumpiest bunch of poeses in Pretoria, dodge the dodgy dicks and hide from the Ex-es, we finally got to our pozzie, where we stood for the next 6 hours!

To sell out 61000+ tickets at Loftus is ridiculous, I reckon only U2 bettered that, selling out the Jozi Athletic Stadium way back when! As for the concert - phwooaar. What a performer, and a fucken funny bloke, d'you know what I mean?

And he sang all the good songs that everybody could karaoke to, girls went apeshit and showed us their jubblies (for that Robbie, I take my hat off, Sir), and rocked the shop for a good two hours.

Underworld: Evolution

No this isn't a movie review at all, so don't so I am copying Salami! This is a shrine to Kate Beckinsale...


God bless this woman. She definately MAKES the movie... Which was rather enjoyable.

I really really want to wear her thighs as ear muffs.

Chump's Boobs of the Week

This weeks award goes to SomeChick WithGreatBoobs.

R.I.P. Crazy Monkey

"A mother waited in vain for her well-known actor son to have breakfast with her, little knowing that several hours earlier he and a bosom friend had been cold-bloodedly shot in the back of the head." - News24

The South Africans that made it big thanks to MTV were murdered yesterday in Cape Town...

That is fucked up...

"No one knows where the men were overpowered, when they were murdered, why the murderers left their clothes at the scene of the crime or how Goldin's credit card came into the possession of three men in Camps Bay."

His legacy of Foot-Skating will be forever remembered...

Happy Easter

ChumpStyle would like to wish ya'll a Merry Easter. Pity it all got fucked up by the taxi driver transporting 50 friends to Mount Moria while he was snacking on his Streetwise 2, while chatting on his cellphone and handing back some change to the arb white guy in the back. I'm glad my kids haven't seen this photo...


I know this is old, but it's all I got.

At the risk of offending any Christians, and those of you who claim to be Christians:
So there was Jesus, pinned to the cross. He looked up to the heavens to God, then shook his head, looked downward to Chuck Norris and said, "Help me".

Anyways, have a good weekend, be safe, be strong and don't forget to kiss your blonde belter of a secretary on the way out... It's gonna be one seriously fucked up Easter weekend. Or maybe not.

Pass the p#ssy, you cnut!

I can't remember who sent these to me cos I don't really care...

Eva's massive Bearded Oyster!

Maxim, for it's 100th birthday made a 75-by-110-foot billboard featuring it's cover image of Eva Longoria. But the slight twist they put on it was that they built it flat on the ground so that it can be seen from Google Earth... SHEESH.

I would go out to that desert and curl up in herHairy Goblet. I would probably starve to death, but at least I would be smiling!

Read More

Not the seven-thirty Sepedi news

Jacob Zuma never ceases to amaze me… how can a guy who's so unintelligent, manage to mastermind a downfall such as this:

- Accept a 500k a year bribe in the arms deal debacle;
- Found to have a corrupt relationship with Schabir Schaik
- Subsequently get fired from the deputy presidency (how he got there intrigues me big time);
- And then being accused of raping an HIV positive family friend.

He has entertained the courts with howlers such as:

"It would minimise the risk of catching the disease."
Zuma, explaining to the Johannesburg High Court why he took a shower after having sex with an HIV-positive woman.

"You cannot leave a woman if she is already at that stage (of sexual arousal)."
Zuma, giving evidence in the Johannesburg High Court during his rape trial.

Check the rest here.

And in other, totally unrelated news, New York rapper Sean Carter has announced he will change his rap name, Jay-Z, in an attempt to cut all associations with former deputy president and buffoon, J.Z. Okay, kidding, but if I were Jay-Z, I would...

Who ya got?

I now give you one of the most toughest decisions a man can make...

LAMBORGHINI MURCIELAGO LP640 -
Engine: 6.5 litre V12
Power output: 640bhp.
One of the most international machines on this planet.











BUGATTI VEYRON 16.4-
Engine: 7993cc, 16 cylinders in a W
Power output: 1001bhp @ 6000rpm
And a staggering 0-100 time of 2.5 seconds!













ANGELINA JOLIE -
Engine: Upside down V
Power output: 69 bybp (break yo back power)
What a belter.

















My choice would have to be as follows:

1. Bugatti Veyron (The machine of all machines ever invented EVERS!)
2. Angelina - (REASON:she can always buy you a Lambo but not a Veyron)
3. Murcielago - (REASON: it is the only option left)

G-man the auditor...

G-man highlights in black.
There is a sharp rise in Workers Comp claims whenever G-man is at the client
G-man celebrates the end of each audit by burning the client's house down. Why? Cause its just what G likes to do.
G-man audits in the dark
When a partner asked if the client had any other long-term liabilities...G simply held up his fists
If G-man gets tired during the day he takes a nap....on the CEOs desk
G-man does not accrue for expenses...he accrues for pain
G-man does not use a ruler when making "power tickmarks".... he naturally draws perfectly straight lines
G-man takes a 15 minute coffee break every 5 minutes
How does G test fixed assets? Answer: with a bottle of super glue and an ambitious hand
How does G-man hole punch? Answer: with a shotgun and an extremely accurate aim
G-man not only assigns useful lives....he takes them away
If he finds an exception, G-man amortizes pain over the remaining useful life of the client

What's the risk of significant misstatement?
Answer: A G-man roundhouse... to the head my friend!

Adidas Ad with Jenna Jameson

Yup Adidas has just become my favorite choice of shoe again, in truth Toughies wasn't really working for me partly because I'm not Afrikaans. In the end It wasn't really a tough choice though, any company using a highly reputable porn star to peddle/paddle their goods I'm game for. And I'm sure most of you god fearing folks are nodding yo mu'fucken heads.

Someone hit the lights...

Go on, tell me that wasn't the best ad since Redro's.

Useless Heat Info - Robbie's Dating Minki

What? I can't hear you over those breasts!

Now you can tell all your grape-vine-gossip-mongering mates that you heard that Robbie Williams is dating Minki van der Westhuizen on ChumpStyle way before Heat or People even featured it.

LIFE STYLE EXTRA (UK) - Robbie Williams is rumoured to be dating a South African model nicknamed 'Slinky' Minki.

The 32-year-old heartthrob singer met Minki van der Westhuizen at a party in Cape Town - and friends say he is completely smitten with the 21-year-old beauty.

A source is quoted in Britain's Daily Star newspaper as saying: "Talk about instant chemistry. Robbie is a huge star and Minki is a very popular model in South Africa. They had a lot to talk about and got on like a house on fire."

The beauty recently split with from South Africa cricket captain Graeme Smith, 25, and is now looking for love again

Robbie - who is in the country to film the video for upcoming single 'Sin Sin Sin' and to play a series of concerts - now wants the model to show him the sight during his stay.

The source added: "Minki has offered to show him round the country. She is keen - and so is he." - Life Style Extra

Dating? I don't know all I know as that we got the SA scoop first (well at least I'm hoping we do, talk about flap-jacks on my face if we don't), KACHING!!

Update with flap-jacks on my face, hmmm tasty: I was wrong, the fag(s) over at Splattermail got the scoop first.

Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want

WWE hopefuls seek better opportunities at the U.S.-Mexican border.

The wrestlers, also known as "jobbers," come in search of greater title opportunities and more interesting storylines than those available in their small, unorganized Lucha Libre leagues.

"These masked luchadores are hard-working, energetic, and always willing to learn new skills that Americans consider beneath them—such as being power-bombed from the top turnbuckle or chokeslammed through the announcer's booth," said McMahon on this week's WWE Raw.

"The idea that these Mexicans are somehow stealing jobs from American wrestlers is ridiculous,"McMahon said.

"After all, someone's got to take these folding chairs to the face." - Read more over at La Cebolla

If you a fan of the WWE Soapie head on over to La Cebolla and read the article - great stuff. I don't often agree with what Mr McMahon has to say, I mean what was on about when he and Kane went at it last week. But what he's expressed here with regards to Mexicans eating enamel is straight up no nonsense prose. Someone has to take the hits, if not Rey Misterio and his South O' The Border cronies then who? Dari's Koola-Lampoorian homies possibly? Hell send some Pasty Brits over.

Global Politics in 30 Seconds

Frightfully Funny.

If you havn't watched Wonder Showzen on MTV late night on weekends (SA) you've been missing out son. Not to worry here's a whole collection of clips. Head on over and waste your work day away.

Wikipedia: Wonder Showzen
YouTube: Wonder Showzen Video Playlist

Ten telltale signs that you're gay

1. If you are over thirty and you have a six pack that doesn't comprise SAB products, you are gay. And that doesn't include those Breezers and faggy fruity drinks.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay.

3. If your favourite ice cream one or those multi-coloured fruity phallus-looking ones, you are gay! A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws and tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink lattes with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. And if you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a knob there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap, as well as all the names of all the players in the Super 12, Formula 1, Premier League and the vital statistics of all the hotties in the chicks' Beach Volleyball comp from Sydney.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to hoot at a slow-ass driver or to cut the fucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat (or okay, maybe sometimes his own "honey" when stuck in traffic at Baccleuch).

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? That means anything with Hugh Grant, in case you were wondering. Except for Mickey Blue Eyes, cos that's a gangster classic!

9 and 10. These have been specifically reserved for use by ChumpStyle and its half-friends, in the "Reply to all" conversations that burn more people an itchy STD on a hot day in Bombay.

Or complete the list here.

News from one fucked up weekend

It was a sad, sad day when we said our goodbyes to our beloved Tiger, but our spirits have been lifted once again after the potential of the newbie around the block, Manhattan.

Saturday saw the opening of the 9-mil' club, very stylish, nice light fittings (according to G Man - what a fag!). Yip, G, Judge and myself made our way across the Jukskei once again to attend the grand opening.

The night was very fucked up, the copious amounts of alcohol drunk very nearly challenged Sun City - Wezzo, we missed you. Actually, only G Man missed you - Judge and I hope you get stuck in Bots and never ever come back. NEVERS EVERS!!!! {Private joke, poes!}

At Primi we bumped into BA Baracus - he looked Judge up and down, pitied him three times before Judge could even make excuses for wearing a pink shirt, and the shirt itself even got embarrassed (and changed to a darker shade of salmon). Any ways, back to the club, it was packed. The queue outside was long, but being the social pimps we are, hooked up "front of the queue and straight inside" status. So great, big up to Charles, the Quantum Physics guys and the skinny white bouncer from Tiger. I forget your name, but you're a legend.



Lots of bars, hot(ish) bar ladeez, but definitely hot chicks. There was such white pants in that place, the oldies at Kensington Bowling Club were getting jealous.



Judge and G Man got so wrecked, they got to bond even more than last week. And from my point of view, got way too close.



It was an awesome night out - I think we've found our new hang out to deshtroy one time. You've been warned, the next time we go, we're bringing all The Boyz (and Girlz). Shit's gonna get nasty!

'Til next weekend...