Great News Sub Males!

Chicks, the world is now your toilet aswell.

Apparently, there are now products that allow you not to put your kaboose on the porcelain god.

I have mental images of women everywhere going to buy them just so they can pee on the seat or leave the seat up to piss off their partners...

But girls, we STILL won't give a shit.

P is for?

No not puss... PENIS you silly buggers...
Anywhooo... There was a survey done on the ideal size of a Man Vegetable, below is the results.

Wez, you will notice that your 3.5 inch Love Muscle is is not "Ideal". However my 11 inch Lizard is only "Enjoyable". Bah Humbug.

News from one half of a fucked up weekend

Saturday night started off with Dyldodius Minimus, Wezzo and I watching the Blue Bulls DESHTROY! Then Dyldo and I went to watch Defending The Caveman, which was f'ing brilliant.

A one man play about the differences between men and women. If all women watched this play there would be a HELL of lot less fucking admin for us men to do. I can definately recommend it, infact I INSIST that women watch the bloody play. I just wish it would come out on dvd or something so I can make copies and hand it out by the thousands.

By the end of the play we were well wasted and I heard it was Bootcamp Night at Zeplins. Man oh man was it HJOT! Dyldo and I went massive. There was more eyecandy there than an FHM shoot.

Ok admittedly the chicks were ROF, but hey they were wearing very little so, they cancelled each other out.

Later on a stripper came out, which was dodgy as HELL... but... Dyldo was in his element.

News from one fucked up farewell weekend

For those of you that have been living under a rock for the past how long, or maybe just living on the East Rand, Tiger Tiger, superclub of the (not so famous) rock stars closed its doors this past weekend, leaving behind a legacy that is never to be forgotten.

Part 1: Toit like a Toiger Thursday
The last Students' Night at Tiger ever. EVER! Only a handful made the trip south of the border to bid farewell to the young and innocent 18 year old belters that frequent Thursdays at Tiger!

It was Suzanne’s birthday, and with her travelled all her tjokker varsity boys and girls – Tiger newbie’s that were so green it was frightening.

I don’t wanna piss Daedalus off, so here are the stemcell sentences (or whatever) he wanted. The Chumpsters, G Man, Jamma, Wezzo and Dari Dawg. The girlz? Me Julie, Sarah, bday girl Suzanne and her liewe maaitjie (we weren’t introduced).


Thomas – dirty-mouthed entertainer of the millennium. Love that guy! And the girlz, grinding!!!! Hmmmm…


But the night was relatively quiet, we had to save ourselves for the mayhem that was to be Friday night!

Part 2: Fantashtic Friday
The night started off very fucked up – Pot was so drunk he agreed to sit in the boot the entire drive there! Round 1: four Jaggies, six vodkas and lime.


The girlz of J-Unit, Chicken and Jadey Poo. Then Pottie my boooy, Shawn (Shaun/Sean/Shorn), Dari and Jamma.


And I bumped into Tim again, real life ChumpReader, together with his two lady friends. Apologies, but I cannot remember your names. In fact, I didn’t even here your names. You know what it’s like, just nod and smile, not hearing a single thing the other person is saying… Dude, get your lady friend to call me about that deal - let's hook it up, The Boyz seem keen - daridawg[at]gmail.com.


And onto the real fucked up-ness. Firstly, nip slip of the year. Secondly, Judge’s return to the much missed hair sniffing!


It was totally destroyer – we didn’t even hit the ‘floor, yet still entertained ourselves ‘til 3am. Oh, and Katie brought along a certain Lee-Ann Liebz who added to the excitement. So great! No pictures to be blogged though, sorry gents!

And with that ended our affair with that little club called Tiger. I’m too sad to actually write something meaningful. Actually, it’s dinner now. And I’m hungry. Pasta Monday, dude!

Shout out to Jamma for being my super trooper of the weekend – joining me to say goodbye both nights!

'Til next weekend? Where the fuck are we gonna go? Any ideas?

Ronaldinho receives new boots

Brilliant Nike Ad:
Ronaldinho receives new boots and as you would expect, awesomeness ensues.

Heibo these soccer players are clever

Here are a couple of pearlers from interviews with some of South Africa's most celebrated footballing sons.

Peter Ndlovu:
Interviewer: Peter those were three beautiful babies you put away behind the net. How do you feel?
Peter: Aah I am so ashamed, I just don't like it when these woman tell the whole world.

Jabu Pule:
Interviewer: Jabu, who do you think will host the 2010 soccer bid?
Jabu: Marks Maponyane

Steve Lekeolea:
Interviewer: Steve you have just played an amazing game to help Pirates win, where to from here.
Lekoelea: I am going home.

Interviewer: Steve you seem to have hit such a rich vein of form you also seem a lot fitter. What is your secret?
Lekoelea: In the morning I get up and I run away.

Lesley Manyathela:
Interviewer: So Lesley tell us about your family
Manyathela: I have one KIDS. I also have two brothers: There is one in front of me and one behind me.

Ah Ndlovo and the babies he put behind the net, should have used protection guy - you don't want that slow puncture to ruin the game.

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Received these via email, thanks again Pops.

Well done my boooy!

Congrats to G Man who passed that exam!

Dude, Chump is proud of you.

Come by this weekend for your complimentary Chump T-Shirt. It's an XXL, but I think you'll need it so it fits over your big head! Update: Hope that big head of yours is throbbing like a mofo this fine Saturday morn!

Don’t forget to change your biz cards and signature:
G Man (P.I.M.P)

PS. Aunty Janice must be so proud her little boy is finally gonna get paid a half decent salary and move the fugout the house. Or at least contribute - scone and muffin mix aren't cheap these days you know...

Looks like you spent the time eating - Crickets Greatest Sledges

This is something that I hope will never leave the game of cricket, sledging. Here are the some of the greatest:

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3.Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so F***ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I F*** your wife, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't f***ing bat". Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f***ing bat & you can't f***ing bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me.In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*** off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c***!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh..MW : "F*** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*** taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you ever f***ing mention my wife again, I'll F***ing rip your F***ing throat out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) Comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia.You were s**t then, you're f***ing useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've
married her. You dumb c***".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up,"Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

13. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together,Fred". "So should your mother" he replied.

Ormond to Mark Waug "at least I'm the best player in my family" has to be the best out the lot.

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Received these via email, shot Pops.

Stop DieEmmers Racism, Vote ChumpStyle

Besides the fact that we were nominated for Best Post of 2005 for Boobs of the Week: Sheena Lee the Blog Awards are no joke. Well maybe just a little, how the hell were we actually nominated for anything in the first place is beyond me. Thank you for all your nominations chaps. This is it, you've nominated us in various categories and now its time to put your money where your pie hole is and vote & vote - daily to be precise.

Don't let your favorite blog be flushed down the toilet this winter, Vote ChumpStyle (in every category we've been nominated for, thanks).

Cast your vote here and here.

AVD

That's stands for Anti Valentine's Day.

I know this is way late, but I couldn't really care less.

For those of you that were stuck on V's Day last week watching the now infamous Tuesday TV, good on ya! Prison Break was good, right? And the football? Phhwooar!

I don't really care that I was at home - I got to watch some good footie, saved myself on a big spending (possibly upsized meal) for two at Mickey D's and didn't have to go through the embarrassment of buying the biggest bunch of roses ever, purely in compensation for my lack of size (height!).

News from one fucked up weekend

Friday 17 February 2006

It was Jinja's birthday celebrations at the Atterbury Dros – the one by the Shell, for those of you that aren’t as blessed with brains as Jinja is. Dude, I'm not embarrassed at all to admit that I had no fucken idea where it was.

Anywayz, it appeared to be HUGE night for the birthday boy cos by time we arrived he was well on his way to the chunda room. He went directly after work which means he was probably there from noon cos, just like Wez, doesn’t have a real job!

Pity no pictures, but I'm not gonna lie – not the prettiest bunch of boys, hey? Shaved heads, complete with beer bottle scars and head-butting wounds!

But Happy Birthday bru! Good times…

Sunday 19 February 2006

Rockstar lifestyle checklist, number 26: Get on a jetski that isn’t yours, and totally DESHTROY it six-love, six-love!

G cracked the nod to go boarding and jet-skiing at the dam, and I cracked a "plus one" but couldn’t care less, wake-boarding is wake-boarding. It was an awesome day out, bright sun, lots of water, just too many caravan-pulling, Zambesi Drive-living secondhand-ness (that's a lot of hyphens) that you usually associate with those from the East Rand.

So friken stiff, frikken burnt, but all worth it!

Highlight of the day was being treated to an authentic Aunty Janice/Big Rache (mommy and maid) combo breakfast, fully stocked cooler box and din din. So great! Just one issue, Big Rache, you forgot to pack the muffins, but that's cool cos I know you're a busy girl planning G Boy's lunchtin meals for the week. So no worries!







Thanks to Angelique for the invite – let's do that again, mmmkay?

'Til next weekend... which incidently starts tomorrow. The last Thursday students' night at Toiger. And that continues into Friday, the last Friday at Toiger. And that may just boil over into Saturday, the last night ever at Toiger... {sob!}

So what the plans for next Thursday? Odds? Not a fuck!

Vanity plate #31

I dare the most hardcore of male back-seat drivers to tell this chick that she drives like a taxi driver... or that she rides the clutch too much... or to pick a lane, or that the handbrake is still up... FUCK! What the hell is she doing in the driver's seat anyway?

Chicks like this should be like eight old year kids - in the back seat. All strapped up. With their ankles on your shoulders {nudge, nudge, wink, wink}.

But I digress...



Big up to Kate for the submission...

Something Sexy ...co.za

When I saw Something Sexy on Pussy Galore, I felt robbed and blessed at the same time.

Robbed that I didn't find the site first. Blessed that such a site exists! Infact, I felt tears start to swell up in my eyes. (It could have been from the hjot waitress that threw tobasco sauce in my eyes though). I challenge all ye married, engaged, not single guys to go and buy THE smallest outfit from this shop and give it to your sub-male better half. If she doesn't smack you oops-up-side the head... HIGH FIVE! You're in for a good time!

www.SomethingSexy.co.za

Jesus Saves... Satan Gathers the Rebound He Shoots he Scores!

Apparently old Miro is a Demon on the ice.

WatKykJy? Skrapnel.

via WatKykJy?

I've known about WatKykJy? for a while although have never really taken much notice largely because I've never been able to praat die taal. Having had a conservative code slinging better half for little over a year now I've had to bust out a little Afrikaans every now and again to either get her dogs to make that piss or to let go of my fucking slop. So yeah I now know a little of the dying taal although I reckon the dogs still know more.

WatKykJy?, Very funny from what I can make out. Go there now you boer seun you, Klippies en Cola await.

New Tomb Raider Girl vs. New Bond Girl - Who ya got?

Last week we learned that some unknown belter was named as the new Lara Croft. Today Jinj let us know that the new Bond girl is to be none other than well unknown Eva Green.

Raider or Bond Girl? Holler back at your boy.

Related:
Karima Adebibe is the new Lara Croft
New Bond Girl is Eva Green

Update:
The Lara Croft in the picture above and previously pointed-to galleries could in fact quite possibly be Rachel Weisz and not Karima Adebibe as previously thought. I'm extremely confused, someone help.

Rolling Stones rock 1.2mill fans... for free.

"Rio de Janeiro - "Hello Brazil!" Mick Jagger yelled out to more than a million fans as legendary rockers the Rolling Stones erupted into one of the world's largest ever free rock concerts on Rio's famous Copacabana beach.

In an interview published in an Argentine newspaper Saturday, lead singer Mick Jagger had said that anything under a million people at the show, which cost an estimated 4.6 million dollars, would be a failure."

They might be older than sand but how many bands do you know would do that? So, much ressspek to one of the greatest bands of all time. Infact, I think all ye people who read this should get off your anatomically correct Britney Spears blow up dolls and go out and buy one of their albums.

New Bond Girl is Eva Green

I actually don't think she is that hot, personally, I've had better... Mr Right and Mr Left can testify to that, Can't you boys! Flex once for "Yes!".

You might have seen her in "Kingdom of Heaven", but my guess is you haven't seen her in anything.

Chump's Monday Morning News

Lawmakers Want To Outlaw Pot-Flavored Candy.
"Every Lick is Like Taking a Hit."
"The candies are flavored with legal hemp oil, which gives them the oily, grassy taste of marijuana".
HAHA! Nice one.

LEGO master builder, Nathan Sawaya, plays with Lego for a living?

Why not MEEEE? Because I would rather be Angelina Jolie's bra.


This dude has the Guiness Record for skipping a stone 40 times.

Hey, I don't have any Guiness Record, apart from bumping Wezzo's head 42 times while carrying him out of a club.

The Rubix Cube for the blind!

It is already too easy, why do they make it easier?


Porn Stars and Dildo's are now an integral part of the USA's Colleges.

I am so upset I missed out on the whole "study" thing.