I DIDN'T TOUCH HIM!

In the immortal words of WWF commentators...

"Ooooh, that's gotta hurt!"

Naught Bru...

When a 16 year old Aussie by the name of Jordan Avramides manages to bag a Miss Universe as his date for the school prom, you know there is something very wrong with the... Universe.

Why not meeeeeeeee?

He orginally asked out Australia's 2004 Miss Universe winner Jennifer Hawkins (as seen at above) but got bat.

Luckily, for the little shit, Australia's Daily Telegraph stepped in and got Australia's 2006 Miss Universe winner Erin McNaught to go with him...

" "Dad's pretty happy too," Avramides said, adding that his father insisted on driving them to the ball." Haha! Read more

He can die, he can die and he can go to hell. (Yes, jealousy does indeed make you nasty.)

I.R. Dumbass

I've been meaning to post this for ages as can see by the date on the image. At that stage I was traveling through to Springs occasionally for work, it truly is like stepping into the twighlight zone. If the cars arent zooped up they have lekker plates and can be like to be telling you so.
___________
For more SA vanity plates be sure to check out Aquila's blog.

The Second Revolution is Here

Two events that have happened recently which have stepped the level up in their respective sporting fields have to be Travis Pastrana's double back flip and Tuarian "The Air Up There" Tontenette's 720 Slam Dunk. Pastrana's double landed him gold in the XGames MotoX Best Trick earlier in the month and The Air Up There's 720 gave him a tad extra street cred and maybe a shoe sponsorship.

Not taking anything away from The Air besides the fact that he plays a pansy sport on a court the same length, and nets at the same height which 10 year olds jam on as well - just not cricket. A tremendous feat and lets hope theres more where this came from, like 720 barrel roll dunks to 900 alley oops, anything to liven the game.

Pastrana's double is another story, there are no words to explain that shit. I've been watching the XGames on ESPN every year for the last 5 years. Favourite event has to be MotoX Freestyle and Best Trick, every year there is an sick new trick someone tries and in most parts lands. First there was the backflip, then the off-axis 360, the body varial 2 years ago, last year the backflip to no handed landing and then this year had Pastrana landing the lazyboy backflip in Freestyle and finally the double in Best Trick. You have to wonder whats next. He then went on to grab gold in the inaugural XGames Rally event the next day for shits and giggles beating out Rally legend Colin McCrae. At just 23 Travis Pastrana is already a legend and there is noone that will beat him in MotoX in the coming years, unless of course he's home nursing a snapped tibia.

Links:
Expn - Pastrana Lands First Moto X Double Backflip
Video - Pastrana's Double Backflip
Video - The Air Up There's 720 Slam

Update: Video links fixed.

DO NOT PRESS

I dare you to not press this button and continue not pressing this button until you've wasted about 5 working minutes, or more, I don't know. Do whatever.

Thoughts to Live by

...and you thought I was becoming all sensitive and shit. Ah, crazy uncle Ted.

Only one sleep til golf tour

So some of us are headed North coast side to swing some clubs, drink some beer, spank some ass and use some choice language on three of KZN's top golf courses. But just to keep you entertained for the next two minutes, here's a soft porn post to keep you chooned to Chump.

Forget about Allen Iverson, here's Elle Iverson. The "answer" - to all men's problems!



Okay, okay, it's really soft, but then again I'm no porn monger compared to the likes of Wezzo or Judge. Actually, I'm quite offended for the most part at the filth they post. Do your mothers know what keeps you boys interested? Sis. Wash your hands!

John Cleese's Letter to America

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Chump's Boobs of the Week

"I not Oriental, me Chinese, but I luv you long time eniway. 5 dolla' 5 dolla'."

Minki's Pictures Found

Ok so it's not her paddling around in bath bubbles and pouring Crystal over her tits, but at least it's something. Something that will make any 13 year making a beeline for the bogs mind you.

The Slackers.co.za (thread) lads have come to the party again, it seems they won't stop until they find those damn naked photo's. If only they could have photoshopped the Yeti out of this photo though, but never the less I suppose we should be thankful that at least we have nipplage.

Links:
Slackers - Thread: These pictures must be found (sign up required)
ChumpStyle - Minki Caught Naked
News24 - Naked Minki stumped

Related:
ChumpStyle - Robbie Williams dating Minki

Maxim Calender 2006

I've been slacking lately with regards to smut and NSFW posts, and I'm really sorry that there has only been the Porn Bunnies to entertain you. Here is a great calender by maxim with 12 wonderfully build honeys to get you through the year.

Don't I have Beautiful Eyes

Here's another of Wexxxa's favs.

Briana Banks, you're a beaut.

HELP wanted

Eish wena, not that kinda help like we're looking for an ousie to come wash the dishes and breast feed our children! Help as in: rich Caucasian with bad hair (but good teeth) needs to break away from the hectic life that is Jozi to get sunburnt so badly the locals think he's British.

Basically, Don is looking for accomodation in Plett over December/January. Anyone?

I was kinda loathe to do this - after all I refused to help out that Andreij Katchacokov dude, who was offering his daughter as a bride for $20,000. I declined on the basis that Chump is no classified, and certainly will not whore ourselves for money. And the fact that his daughter was only 14. And had an arse for a face.

But Donny my boy, because we go back a long way - you got me my first threatening lawyer's letter, you crashed your car after jolling with us (twice!), laugh at all of my corny jokes and have a HJOT sister - I've decided to help you out.

So please, if you know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy, please shout Don a holler, either via email or comments or smoke signals.

Shame, by the response so far, Warmbaths is looking like a good option.

Snoopy Strip

Strangely similar to a conversation between Jinja and G Man I overheard recently. Coincidence or déjà vu - I forget which.

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

I've been um-ing and ah-ing about whether or not to post this.

And we have a winner...32 ways to tick people off. Love #16.

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Sexyback

So no doubt you’ve heard JT’s latest single, Sexyback, and you know what, it’s quite…good(I’m a little hesitant saying such good things about former Mickey Mouse Club member and Britney-pomper)

I would even go as far as to say that Jinja has downloaded it at work and gets a good head bob going while his colleagues are out for lunch. I can safely say this because I know that he also has JT’s Cry me a River in and amongst his Korn mp3’s.

Enough about Jinja more about Justin Timberlake. Or more so Sexyback. It’s got a great beat, really funky mixes and by some magic someone has over-produced JT’s voice so that he sound somewhat like a man. I can’t say much about his other songs but Sexyback should be quite a hit. But what do I actually know. You decide, here's the video...

The brilliance of Home Affairs.

So this is a real South African ID document:














The persons 3rd and 4th name seem a little unnatural when first read, but after outsourcing the problem to my afrikaans friends they came to the conclusion that the poor lady was just trying to tell the genius in Home Affairs (direct translation):
"Don't forget to put a line above the I" or
"The I contains a mark above it" or
"I comes before E except after C".

Its one of the above, I never really listened in afrikaans.
Besides making the painful trip, standing around in long queues, and then waiting a few years to get your ID you have got to love it when it comes out like that...

Strip poke her

The Chumps over at Splattermail seem to be having the gremlins over for dinner. Yet they have still made the effort to entertain us in the absence of their soft and not-so-soft porn posts. Get a hold of this bunny strip poker - with like a dozen different bunnies to strip and poke.

Awesome. NSFW, obviously!

Update:
Apparently the Splat is up and running again. Well done gents, it's about time! Oh, and here's one of their soft porn posts I was on about.

F1 Anthem

I have never watched more than a half an hour of F1 in my life, don’t find it interesting at all. So I'm not even to sure what team this is - Renault maybe - but never the less it's my job to bring the news. In the news this week the F1 team in question's mechanics/grease engineers are able to play an anthem (10 points to who ever picks up who's anthem, might not even be an anthem) by tuning the um... engine, accelerator, radiator maybe... I don’t know, it's interesting never the less.

Some other FYI from my two minutes on Discovery last night: F1 cars traveling at 200km/h with the help of down force could effectively drive on an upside down track, no worries. Now that's an F1 race I'd watch.

Thanks for the vid Vince

Update:
To those that are sceptical check out the write up on the Renault website, once again thanks Vincie.

News from one fucked weekend

Thursday 17 August 2006

It was yet another birthday weekend... and Judge forced us to hit the Madhatter on Thursday night for a deshtroyer of a 25th birthday - total disregard for the fact that some of us have real, client-facing jobs!

Dude, hats off, it was seriously well attended - who knew you had so many acquaintences and half-friends!

That was our first Thursday at the 'Hatter for a long time, but it was relatively quiet. But it was a good return. Holy cow were there some SERIOUS belters (meaning the Millers chickie).

The bee-ya-yatches...


Carlsberg had a foosball promo going on. The promo girls had it going on too.


Some of the gents. And the newest, latest and greatest (and tallest) Chump of the lot - Stretch. Dude even makes Judge look small.


Big Brian whipped out the gangsta-assed bling like no other with some serious ice wrapped around his wrists. And then I couldn't help but sneek a pic of the biggest crack attack ever. Shit but that was nasty!


But no doubt the highlight of the night (make that 3am Friday morning) was the Steers on the way home. Holy crap but that the best food ever. Not to mention probably some of the best entertainment from the birthday boy himself.


Good birthday guy! I'm glad you invented everything to make it a massive night. Like thanks for making Manhattan, hot chicks and alcohol. You're the best.

Saturday, 19 August 2006
Jamma and his man-wife Mackers had a digs party, which was about as massive as a Kurt Darren concert at the loxion. Quite a kriek-kriek night. Nice try boys. Less auditors, more hot chicks. Got it?

'Til next weekend...

Chump's Boobs of the Week

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

I See Drunk People

Child-star actor turned everyday-teenage idiot, Haley Joel Osment pranged his car while under the influence in L.A last month. Unfortunately for him he lives in the US where the po-po actually do there job. Well...that and he managed to flip his car after deshtroying a mailbox and he ended up with a broken rib or two. If he had trashed some dude’s mailbox in SA all he would've got where a couple of inventive Afrikaans words flung at him followed by a fat rugby watching fist. That's it. No Hassles.


But no, being the teenager that he is and living in the country that he does, he's been slapped with a number of misdemeanors which roughly translate to "Why are you for driving wiff a beer in yours hands and a dagga joint in your ear, sonny-boy?". What the bet he'll end up with Boy George and they can pick up trash together.

All the facts available here and the witty title was stolen from Attu

Anyone hear Dari on 5fm?

Did anyone catch Dari pimping ChumpStyle on DJ Fresh's show? No? Well neither did I. Apparently it was painfully uncomfortable, let us know if you heard the cricket fest.

Chump on The Drive

So being the random that I am, I called in on Fresh's show on 5 today to give my two cents' worth on blogging and how it's made me and the other Chumps millionaires. But in the mayhem of town driving dodging taxis, Putco buses and learner drivers in toy cars (learn to drive chick. And get off the frikken phone!), I totally can't remember what I even said and how I said it.

But anyways, it was awesomely cool getting to plug Chump on national radio – but seriously, we don’t do it for the fame. We do it for the money.

In related Chump-5FM news:
Hands up who remembers Gareth Cliff going on about some chick he saw on the highway – the one in the orange top and black Polo. Believe it or not that is one of Chump's leading ladies – Jadey Poo. If you're a regular reader of Chump "News", you would've seen her about a thousand times over the past year!

But you only heard Gareth's side of the story – he conveniently failed to mention that when his and Jadey Poo's eyes met for the first time, he was picking his shhnot-box like a gold digger. Attractive.

And FYI - It's Judge's birthday tonight, come by the MadHatter in Rivonia to shout a holler!

Links:
Fresh's blog.
Martijn Vreugde – first Chump reader to let us know he heard us on Five. Cool blog guy, awesome designs!

GTA inspired Coke Ad

If you haven't seen the latest Coke ad inspired by Grand Theft Auto do yourself a favour and head on over to view it in all it's YouTube glory. Somewhat dry, somewhat bitter, somewhat awesome!

Link - YouTube - GTA Coca-cola Ad
Via - Adverblog - The Coke side of Grand Theft Auto

Oh the Duff

Hilary Duff is that "A-typical A-merican girl next door" that just wants you to show her a good time. Or at least YOU want to give HER a good time. Thing is you are gonna to have to keep dreaming...

...but we here at Chumpstyle believe in helping our fellow readers, so here are some naked pictures of the Duff to help with your imagination. Take a wonderful look as she plays with one of her roommates.

I Park Like an Idiot

Ever struggled to find parking, and all you see are those Fuckheads who have parked in such a way that no one else can utilise the parking next to them. You know those suckbags that park over two parking bays even though the parking lot is packed - are you in that much of a rush that you couldn't correct your hashed-up handbrake-park. Those "I've got a 4X4" c#nts that parks where ever he/she likes, because they think that qualifies them for taking their SUV off-road.

Well now you can vent, in an informative way, by letting the asshole in question know that they should not be allowed to drive any kind of vehicle. Simply order your "I park like an idiot" bumper stickers and stick it to any twit's car who displays low intelligence.

Now all we need is one that says POES in really large letters.

News from one fucked up golf/birthday weekend

Saturday, 12 August 2006 - 15h00

So we cracked the nod to the Miller's Urban Golf thingie on Saturday. They closed off Middle Street in Brookies to set up nine holes of pure awesomeness. Accompanied by some hottie caddies with boobs for brains, 10 four-balls set about our merry ways hacking through RMB's beautifully manicured gardens, wrecking SAB's shiny new irons and guzzling a bottle of MGD or 12.

Hats off to Wezzo, Pot, G Man and Judge for winning the comp, scoring a respectable one-under, and an iPod richer. Dos, Gregory John, "Robert" and myself came a close second at even par.







What a great day - golf, beer and tits. Actually, come to think of it, it's just like any given Sunday.

Saturday, 12 August 2006 - 19h30

We moved on from the Miller's street party to Co.fi for Shaunifer's birthday bash.


Pity Wezzo was so rude he totally dissed the party for a sleep in (on) his car. Pity both Shaun and Jennifer were so wrecked they couldn't remember their names. You guys missed out on such a cool one, maybe the pics will help fill the blanks.

'Til the next one. Which unfortunately is this Thursday for Judge's 25th... Hope you can get at least five half-friends there! With that said, I formally hereby tender my non-attendance to said birthday celebrations. What that means is that I'm not coming. Savvy?

Icon Wars

Here's another Flash Animation where you get to see Icons fuggin' up other Icons. Yeah. I always wanted to do that to Internet Explorer.

The My Space Code - by Choppy-Head Brown

...

Some dude's rant about how My Space is misleading. Maybe his rage comes from a bad experience brought on by actually trying the Internet dating thing.

That chatted, she said she had blond hair big boobs, he said he had a 10" cock, so they decided to hook up. They meet, they are both shocked and confused, or better yet the chick end up having the 10" cock, and 'Bob your uncle'. A My Space Hate Page is born.

It is quite funny though. Check it...