Me, myself and I - My life ... or lack thereof

Many of our readers have wanted to get to know us better, find out exactly who we are, what makes us tick. Saw this over at ten miles, and thought this would answer some questions. Just made a couple adjustments to the questions...

20 years ago: I was a pimp-ass cocky Grade 0 at primary school, chillin' in the sandpit trying to spell pron with my boys, G Man and Jamma, and a host of others.

10 years ago: I was a pimp-ass cocky Form 1 at high school, chillin' at The Tree talking about porn with my boys, G Man, Wezzo, Jinja and a host of others.

5 years ago: I was a pimp-ass cocky first year at Tuks, chillin' in the piazza reading porn with my boys G Man and Judgey Poo and a host of others.

1 year ago: I was a pimp-ass cocky first year at work, chillin' at my desk doing jack-shit but emailing porn to my boys, G Man, Wezzo, Jinja, Judgey Poo, Jamma and a host of others.

Yesterday: I was a pimp-ass cocky second year at work, chillin' at my desk doing jack-shit but blogging porn for my boys, G Man, Wezzo, Jinja, Judgey Poo, Jamma and a host of others.

Today: See "Yesterday".

Tomorrow: See "Yesterday". Change into future tense.

5 songs I know all the words to:
Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby (my karaoke standard).
Coolio – Gangsta's Pardise.
TKZee & Benni – Shibobo.
Nelly – Ride With Me.
Unknown – Mary Had a Little Lamb.

5 things I would do with R100,000,000:
Buy a KFC (I just luurve fried chiggin).
Buy Wezzo some BioSlim (you tubby fucker!).
Buy Jinja some new hair.
Buy G Man a personality.
Buy a one year boat cruise for my old lady (awww, sweet). And when she comes back, send her on another one, and another one, and another… (hey, its better than slamming her in an old age home!)

5 bad habits I have:
I swear like a fucking trooper.
I squiz too much porn.
I sit all day blogging while charging my client hundreds per hour.
I hug girls. Any girls. All the time. And squeeze them hard so I can feel their boobs squashed against my body. Even the chicks at work. Including my managers.
I suck my pen and then smell my drying spit (Not really, but this guy I work with does).

5 things I use the Internet for:
Surfing for porn.
Downloading porn.
Viewing porn.
Emailing porn.
And of course, electronic payments – to pay for porn.

5 things I would never wear:
Condoms (only joking, sheesh!).
A speedo (even though I've been told I have quite a package).
A hat wif horns (even at Loftus, and everybody had them).
A fat chick's thighs as earmuffs.
Anything that straps on.

5 people I'd like to meet:
Paris Hilton.
Jenna Jameson.
My father.
Che Guevarra (I'd ask him if I could take a picture of him and print it on a t-shirt).
Madiba (it would be totally un-P.C. if I didn’t).

5 people to respond with totally abusive comments:
Wezzo
G Man
Jinja Ninja
Judgey Poo
Rox? Come on girl, you know you wanna.

Answer your questions? Know a little more about me and what makes me tick? Yip, that's right, porn makes me tick… you're very perceptive! And ditto this for Wezzo, G and Jinja.

Dari caught with his pants down

If you know Dari you'll know that he frequently gets "caught with his pants down". Well last night was no exception. While we were all getting wasted on free beer at an exclusive Millers Party in Hatfield, Dari snuck off to the parking lot with a newly acquired lady/man (we couldn't really make out the gender) friend. Although we were all rat faced we still knew exactly what was about to go down, we waited until he had his wig on and was half way into the session and then took the shot. Priceless!!

Below are all the other occasions we caught the little tubby fucker midway which usually was 30 seconds in. Disguises don't fool us buddy:

Google disagrees

Hey Google said it!

The Hottest Weakest Link Host... EVER

I was taking an easy stroll round the wrong parts of the web when I came across a gallery, which had on display the same bird that's on display here. Sonja Zietlow, hmmm funny name. So as any normal person would do I Yahoo'd & Goohoogled her, turns out this aint just no funny name bitch. She just so happended to be the host of the first non-english weakest link. E-fucken-magine that, a weakest link host that is actually attractive.

March 2001, saw the appearance of the first non-English version. Der Schwächste Fliegt premiered weekdays at 3pm, hosted by Sonja Zietlow (who was already known for her tough-talking styles on her self-titled talk show from prior years). Just like the British version, the show pitted nine contestants against each other for a pot of 50 000 Marks. By September of that year, the show was sinking fast in ratings, so in order to gain ratings, Sonja became much nicer to contestants. This did not help the show very much, and it was cancelled in December. [Wikipedia]

The German's have to be idiots, its not often when a TV program host is hot, blonde and bright. Although I bet if we gave them Fiona Coyne dressed up in a gorilla suit they wouldn't take an eye off the telly. They love 'em chicks ugly & hairy.

I'm not going to link to any gallery because this is it. A whole entire gallery for your perusal on Chump, now thats something to go home and tell your wife about.

I cannot get over how hot she is

Yes I have posted her before and pointed out her Playboy gallery. But I just have to point to another nekkid gallery of her as I absolutely cannot get over how friggen hot Johanna Krupa is. I have honestly never heard of her before. Where the hell did she come from. A real ray of sunshine to make me sleep well tonight... oh sorry thats Bokkie, sorry babe I won't post naughty pictures again.

Check out yet another gallery of the belter in question.

Revenge 101

This is old, I know. But still funny! Man, this mofo must have been real fucked off.



Thinking about it, this quite easily could've been one of our exes – my "caring" Cl--, G's "luscious" Li--, Jinja's "terrific" Ta---/To--- (hehe – private joke), Wezzo's "beautiful" Bo---- and… oh, sorry, Wezzo and her are still together. And Judgey-Poo's "take-me-now" Ta--.

Fuck, as I write this post, I can't help but get angry… my body temperature is rising, blood is boiling. Fuck it. Guys, send me pics of your "girls", gonna cut 'n paste the bitches onto this poster! Aaargh! Chicks! The fucking devil personified. (No offence, Rox).

OMG!!!!

Stare at the three dots in the middle of the image for 30 seconds.
Then look at a smooth, plain coloured surface, like a wall or piece of paper.
Very soon, you be amazed by what appears before you.



JESUS CHRIST!

It's like the Shroud of Turin all over again.

Pavement specials

This has been doing it's rounds again... chalk drawings on the pavement.



Pavement 2
Pavement 3
Pavement 4
Pavement 5
Pavement 6

The only one who missed out on Friday nights dogshow!

Jinga, you missed a pearla, but we will go bigger next time. I promise.

How you know you are in a gay bar.

Three reason to start questioning your dedication to the bearded axe wound and to start asking yourself, "Am I in a gay bar?"

Reason 1:
They both tell you they are staying home to watch sport for the night, but you walk into a bar and you see Steve and Dari holding hands and tapping their feet to the YMCA.

Reason 2:
You are standing next to Wezza and he says to you, "Hey, I'm sure I recognise that guy from one of my clips on my comp... NEVERMIND!"

Reason 3:

New security scanning program at JHB International.

So our bussiest airport has finally stepped up its security and installed a scanning device to ensure nobody smuggles shite in under their clothes.
Check it out:

http://home.chello.no/~siamak.javid/etc/NewAirportSecurity.swf

News from one fucked up weekend

Friday night… back to Tiger again. It's been good to us, so why fuck with a good thing, right? Been a while since The Boyz have been out together, various handbrakes/ball 'n chains, work commitments and not being invited have been the main causes. But all issues were resolved, and we were joined by some newbies, including Tintin (aka Guava), Spandex and a coupla others, and finally G Man – ex-bestfriend issues set aside...

The man of the day was my boy Jamma – he just passed his QE 1 exam, one time! He arrived at Tiger absolutely fucked outta his brain, I'm not even sure how he managed to find his way to Jozi… well done my boy, you make us proud – finally a ChumpReader with at least half an education! And then a couple of The Boyz with the first group of half-belters at the bar. We could tell it was gonna be another good night.


Jamma in his excitement (and inebriated state), crushed a glass in his hand, opening a machete-sized gash. So off to first aid in Tiger's behind-the-scenes underground tunnel system. Jeez, never have I seen so much blood, the dude bled more than a teenage girl on the rag – will someone get him a Maxipad, the extra absorbent one?


I'm sure you've seen The Amazing Race? Here's Chump's entry – "G Man and Wezzo: Rage-a-holics" (Say in deep American-voice-over-guy's voice). These boys have all the qualities of successful contestants – ultra competive, ex-bestfriends looking to "patch things up", who will provide for some entertaining and childish squabbling and chicken-winging for the viewers to have a good laugh at. Oh, and Wezzo has that gay angle (no offense, eKapa) that US networks seem to love.


Myself and G Man with a certain someone's boss from work. Talk about shit stirring, I think Monday will be a bit of an embarrassing affair… even worse, she's probably writing the DCM (Don't Come Monday) as we speak! And Pot engaging in some random conservation with some random nobody's. Intriguing!


G Man almost burnt Tiger to the ground by lighting the balloon strings that schmoked the whole place up and led to burning helium balloons flying all over the place – fucking funny stuff! Then Pot and Judge had a dance off on the bridge with a pony-tailed raver that was a little too interested in the attention being paid to him (again, no offence, eKapa).


Eish, maar I'm taai-yud, ne? Thees is too muuuch! (Private joke). Come 3am, and things were getting just too pear-shaped. Here's Wezzo Pallooza at his floor hugging best! How the fuck do you fall off a 10cm step? Things got so hectic, Wezzo's rage fought its way out – I can't believe you threw a punch at me! Wezzo can't believe he missed! You lil tubby pig fucker! I'll ChumpStyle you the fugout upside yo pighead, punk!

4.30 am: After a stop at Fontana for a "Met Eish" special, Judgey Poo still had to tuckshop again at home. Chowed Wez's pizza – more rage, more angriness, more fists flying! Such entertainment, you should've been there! But, seriously, you should get some help Wez!


Random skank of the week:
G returns to top form by sourcing this week's Random Skank (a new feature to Chump's "News from one fucked up weekend"). Be sure to tune in next week for another dirrrty drunk biatch that would get it hard in all areas, if only they made impenetrable titanium condoms!


Another fantashtic night in Jozi, did I leave anything out? If anybody's memory from the night just happens to come back to you, fill us in! 'Til next weekend…

Hugz 'n bubbles!

Oh... Maria, Maria...

...she reminds me of a West-side story...

Heard of 5fm yesterday that they've made a Maria Sharapova stamp!

So many sexual connotations come to mind. Wanna lick Maria's back side? Make her moist and sticky? A little rough around the edges though...



44 inch legs, perfectly toned, tanned and sculpted calf muscles... would love to do the Electric Boogaloo with her!

Ain't nuthin' but a G-thang!

Gotta say big up to my bruvva for this... for sheezy my squeezy.

I thought my money shots were good! This shit's TIGHT! Ladies, if you're hitting Tiger tonight, either watch out cos I'm gonna rip your cute lil white pants off to get shot like this, or wear something real hot, pink G-string? Maybe one with sparkly diamond thingies on. Man, what I would do to have these pics accompanying my "News from one fucked up weekend" post!