Sick, Twisted...Awesome - Blind Girl

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

South Park Episodes Free

Kenny has come to the Internet in fine form, with free episodes available for you to watch. Unfortunately they are not embeddable but hey, at least they are free.

Sick, Twisted...Awesome - Gyni

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

In Living Color 2.0

I've been following Steve Rubels tweets and he mentioned an internet sketch comedy project launched by the Wayan's bros. Naturally being a Wayan's fan I took a deeper look. I'm glad I did, check out Hooked on Honest below:
This from Hip Hop Crunch:

Damon Wayans has announced the debut of ”WayOutTV,” a collaboration with YouTube that will show sketch comedy videos that he produces. ”WayOutTV” will allow viewers to share, rate... [bla-bla-bla - ed]

”For too long, comedy has been a one-way dialogue, with comedians talking to an audience rather than with an audience,” Damon said in a statement on Thursday. ”My entire goal is to make people laugh and at the same time find a way to be creative and collaborative with people who want to be a part of the process.”

Links:
WayOutTV YouTube Channel
WayOutTV.com

Related:
FunnyOrDie.com - A Will Ferrell Project

Barack Obama? Get the fuck outta here! - DMX

DMX in an interview with XXLmag lets us know how stupid he really is.

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Arr Arr Arroooooo - ahem sorry. I felt like howling like a husky after all of that.

St. Paddies Day +1

Just a quick St. Paddies day hangover shout out to everyone. Hope you feel horrible.

Woman Sues American Airlines Over Masturbating Passenger

A woman has filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging the flight crew failed to protect her from a passenger who moved into the seat next to hers while she was sleeping, then "masturbated to her" and—well, you've seen "There's Something About Mary"? Yeah, that.

From the Fort Worth Star-Telegram:

The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on descent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states.

"The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed "a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair," the suit states.

The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states. Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states.

When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested."

The suit claims that during the police investigation, the flight crew acknowledged they saw the man move from his assigned seat to the seat next to the woman while she slept.

Tiger Woods: Awesomeness or Greatness?

Cape Town's The Beast over at Beast Insight explains the difference between Awesomeness and Greatness.

You know the grannies that hang around The Garden Centre... Well, much like the teenagers who become Cavendish Mall Rats, the old ladies OWN that centre. They own the Post Office, The Deckle Edge, The Book Store and all the coffee shops. They are scarier than Kommetjie locals and you don't want to fuck with them. They are also the definition of Awesomeness.

THIS is the definition of Greatness:

Too true Beast, too true.

Petra Nemcova in Lingerie

Been getting some serious flack on the comments for not posting anything, so here is my contribution to Chump.

Reporter Owned By Sled

A must for every household!

Found this beauty on ebay, definately getting one for home, one for work... maybe one for my car too.

Make Vernon Koekoemoer Famous!

Something so majestic, so beautiful is happening right this minute on Facebook. Something so monumental its enough to make the Cloverfield Monster cry. Last week at the H2O rave (yes raves still happen apparently), a certain someone was snapped sporting a blouse and buffaloes. His name, Vernon Koekoemoer (well, so he's been dubbed) and people from all over the Facebook'isphere are on a quest to make his dream that he never asked for happen!The dedicated MAKE VERNON KOEKOEMOER FAMOUS! Facebook group describes how we got to this point.

Vernon was photographed at H20 last weekend. But now he has set his sights higher. He wants to travel the globe, interact with foreign cultures and experience the wonders of our diverse world. Please help him realise this dream.

And where too from here...

You (and PhotoShop) have the power to make Vernon's dream of being the global face for bad taste come true! Don't be selfish - MAKE IT HAPPEN!

MAKE VERNON KOEKOEMOER FAMOUS!

Here are a few of many awesome attempts.
For more, you only need to send your browser this way, you may need to join the Facebook group though.

If you are a fancy-pants designer and want to help the cause, here are some other originals. [Orig 1] [Orig 2] [Orig 3]

Update: Footage of Vernon dancing up a storm has been found. View the video here.

Update: Vernon was mentioned on SkyNews last night, well played internet. Read about that here.
Vernon Koekoemoer Vodacom Ad

Sick, Twisted...Awesome

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."


Readers do so at their own risk and ChumpStyle is not responsible for removing chunks from your keyboard.

99 Words for Boobs

Surprisingly decent! Note: Fat NSFW warning, although I'm sure that's never stopped you.

Cop Brutality in Stellenbosch

The Stellenbosch police force busted into three fine drinking establishments (Mystic Boer, Bohemia and the Springbok Pub) in the early hours of Saturday morning and proceeded to kick the living shite out of patrons. Why you ask? Because there was a tip off that a number of students might have been holding mind-altering substances including hashish and cocaine. All very well, but to pistol whip and to knee a couple of okes in the ghoens? I hope it was worth it Constables.

What the police may have forgotten though, is that students of today are wired 24/7. A simple click of a cellphone button and the cameras are rolling, another and its on the web for all the world to see. Check out the footage below, courtesy of Blueworld.co.zaRead: Maties tell of cop terror [News24]
Thanks for the heads up Zander.

Super Mario Galaxies: a homosexual recruiting tool!

The American Landover Baptist Christian Church have stumbled upon something truly phenomenal, yet flippen scary at the same time. The Japs have been sending kids across the world (read: Southern America) subliminal messages to turn to the dark side and go GAY! Jeb Thurmond was first to break the news:

Dear Friends,

Nintendo has released a new video game for it's "Wii" system called "Super Mario Galaxies". At first glance, the video game seems like an innocent bit of fun, a nice way to keep the kids inside, and therefore away from the legions of drug-pushers, pedophiles, and terrorists that lurk in America's parks, schools, and pretty much everywhere outside of gated communities.

On closer inspection, however, it becomes obvious that this game is just another homosexual recruiting tool made by the neo-sodomites of Ninendo, from that cesspool of cultural pollution, Japan. [Read the full thread here]

He then followed up with the kicker...

"U R MR GAY" there it is, clear as day [image below - ed]. And look at the other perversions in this image: note the sparkling stuff that is flowing from Mario's rectum: is this a "creampie" image, with Mario's bottom overflowing with "fairy dust"? Or is it some sort of enema reference?

And look at the lower-righthand-corner, right above the Nintendo logo, where you will see an object entering what is clearly a rectum.

And look at the Wii logo, it is clearly a reference to double-penetration. the W looks like the backbone of a skinny "twink" bending over, while the two...Other objects....Are so obvious I don't even have to mention it. [Read the full thread here]

I'm with them on this one. What the hell is that thing jutting in top-left, yes it looks a lot like a French baguette - baguette (when said in a Frenchie accent) SOUNDS LIKE? Yes WHEY, the protein powder most commonly consumed BY??? I rest my case.

Related: "Wii" is Oriental for: "I Having Orgasm!"

Erotic Falconry

If you into Falconry you'll really love this site - Erotic Falconry. (via Sam Reich)

Note: Some pics may be NFSW