Open mike night

Thanks to my bro for these - some pearlers...

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

{adapted - G Man, agree?}
I went out with a Girls' High girl. For fuck's sakes. You can take the
girl out of Girls High...
- Dari Dawg in the USA

Got a phone call today to do a stand-up gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner... and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
- Steven Alan Green at C34

{adapted}
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping in Pretoria North (die Kollanade Sentrum). Or downtown Denver.
- Dari-to-the-izzo

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If ever you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly